Klurejr
Wizard
Seriously, that must be an east coast thing.
Joke of day.
- Thread starter Oldschool
- Start date
Jeffibus
Well-Known Member
Um... no, it is pretty common out here too.
(brush up on euphemisms on the Urban Dictionary... there are some that would shock you.)
Personally, I prefer Cockney Rhyming Slang... they have the best phrases. (***edit here's a decent Cockney dictionary http://www.aldertons.com/english-.htm)
For example, I was watching the last World Superbike race on Eurosport UK, before that I had no clue what "thrape" or "a good thraping" was, but thanks to Urban Dictionary I'm educated.
Last edited:
javahaxxor
Wizard
In heaven, Jesus Christ and his father, God, were talking. Suddenly, the door opens, and Mohammed (the prophet) enters. Jesus turns to his father and asks "Did you order kebab?"
BDazzler
Wizard
Winter Driving Tips
A blonde driving her car gets lost in a snowstorm. She remembers a tip her father had taught her when she was just learning to drive. "If you ever get lost in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow to go by, stay behind it on the pavement it just cleared and follow it to safety."
Shortly afterwards, a snow plow comes by and she follows it for about 45 minutes. She began to worry as her gas gage neared empty so in a panic, she honked her horn and flashed her lights to get the attention of the snowplow driver.
Finally, the driver gets out of the truck and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her.
The driver says, "Well, I'm just about done with the parking lot here at the mall so wait a few more minutes and you can follow me over to that gas station across the street"
A blonde driving her car gets lost in a snowstorm. She remembers a tip her father had taught her when she was just learning to drive. "If you ever get lost in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow to go by, stay behind it on the pavement it just cleared and follow it to safety."
Shortly afterwards, a snow plow comes by and she follows it for about 45 minutes. She began to worry as her gas gage neared empty so in a panic, she honked her horn and flashed her lights to get the attention of the snowplow driver.
Finally, the driver gets out of the truck and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her.
The driver says, "Well, I'm just about done with the parking lot here at the mall so wait a few more minutes and you can follow me over to that gas station across the street"
OneSizeFitsAll
Wizard
Group Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Kathy, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Mary, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get hot dogs for dinner.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Kathy, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Mary, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get hot dogs for dinner.
Bogie
Wizard
lolup:icon_beer:
johnnyontherocks
The Cosmic Avenger
Very Nice:+2:
joker80
Well-Known Member
LOL too funny!!!
FZ1yb
Wizard
There you go!
RI_Grinch
Well-Known Member
:th_smiley_rotfl2[1] that's great!!!
lytehouse
Moderator
A little Christmas humor:
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?...
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?...
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
lytehouse
Moderator
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It only comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
New models are initially fun to own, but very expensive to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially have curb appeal (low price) but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Not expected to reach collector status...best to lease one and replace each year.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It only comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
New models are initially fun to own, but very expensive to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially have curb appeal (low price) but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Not expected to reach collector status...best to lease one and replace each year.
NJFZ1
Moderator
Girls Night Out
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night Jenny was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, she headed for home.
Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another
9 times.
Jenny was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, she told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, 'I got away with that one she thought!'
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When she asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.'
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night Jenny was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, she headed for home.
Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another
9 times.
Jenny was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, she told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, 'I got away with that one she thought!'
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When she asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.'
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Last edited:
lytehouse
Moderator
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.
FZ1riderNY
Moderator
Nice one Brenda! :tup:
Oldschool
Moderator
The agony of dyslexia
After Daylight Saving Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him. "No, you idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
After Daylight Saving Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him. "No, you idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
Oldschool
Moderator
Gender confusion
Just came back from a holiday in Thailand and l came so close to having sex with a ladyboy.
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady!
It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time, l thought........ haaanng on!
Just came back from a holiday in Thailand and l came so close to having sex with a ladyboy.
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady!
It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time, l thought........ haaanng on!
Last edited:
Oldschool
Moderator
Rank Bobbers
Two Dyslexic bank robbers run into a bank and shout "Air in the hands, mother stickers, this is a f**k up"
Two Dyslexic bank robbers run into a bank and shout "Air in the hands, mother stickers, this is a f**k up"
FSTZ1
Well-Known Member
12 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Plainly; Men Suck
11. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one:
12. Potential Murder Suspect
Oh and, have some wine.
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Plainly; Men Suck
11. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one:
12. Potential Murder Suspect
Oh and, have some wine.
Oldschool
Moderator
being responsible?
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with Sleepy John and had a few too many beers and some rather nice Shiraz.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and not sure where I got it from!
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with Sleepy John and had a few too many beers and some rather nice Shiraz.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and not sure where I got it from!