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Joke of day.

There was a little girl sitting on her front steps watching her neighbor play with his basketball in his driveway. She thought it would be fun so she went over and asked if she could play with him. He said no, this is a basketball, it's a boys toy and girls can't have it. She ran crying in the house to her mom and told her what happened. The girls mom went and bought her a basketball and the next day she went out playing with it so the boy next door could see. When he saw her he got mad and rode over on his bike and told her, you see this, this is a boys bike, girls can't ever ride one of these. The girl ran in crying strait to her mom. The next day she was outside on her brand new boy's bike. This really made the boy mad, he walked over pulled down his pants and said you see this, i don't care how much you cry to your mom she can never get you one of these. The next day she was sitting on her porch when the boy came by, he said see, i told you your mom couldn't get you one of these. The girl stood up and pulled up her skirt and said, you see this, my mom said that as long as i have one of these i can get as many of those as i want.
 
Love for animals

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said
my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals
very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent
me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed,
too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I
am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire
most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am...???
 
************************************************
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell
me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're
never home!'
****************************************************
 
Makin' copies

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5.45pm when he found the CEO standing if front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen" said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

Certainly said the young engineer. He turned on the machine and inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
 
Burglar meets Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in
the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his
head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.










































Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came to rest on a parrot.

8059d1322679749-joke-day-image001.jpg


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?
Who the hell are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'








































8060d1322679749-joke-day-image002.jpg


This is for Eric specially as he has both a parrot and two rotties
 
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Angry wife to husband, on the phone: "Where the
hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop
where you saw the diamond necklace and totally
fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that
time, and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day?'"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yeah I remember that,
my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop."
********************************************************
A woman answered her front door and found two
little boys standing there holding a long list.

"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on
a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains
of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used
carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such
a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
*****************************************************
 
Miracle Water

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!

How does the water do that?"


The Doctor says: "The water does nothing…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
 
8 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
 
Harvard's exam question*
This is the question from Year 2010 Harvard's Science Research

Use of calculator is prohibited*
(answer all the way down)*
**
The question is....

If*
**
1 = 5

2 = 25

3= 125

4 = 625

5 =?












Answer at the bottom








**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
Answer is =1

Have u forgotten?
1=5
 
Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'Its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score....'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard..
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'
 
Breakfast

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.



Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
 
Beer -- according to Seven-Year Olds

A handful of seven-year-old children were asked
what they thought of beer. There were some very
interesting responses, but the last one is
especially touching. Ahhh.... childhood innocence.

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more
beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets."
--Tim, 7

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what
we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is
nice."
--Melanie

"My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny
when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties,
but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady

"My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and
the more they drink the more they give kisses to each
other, which is a good thing."
--Toby

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also
wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he
dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lily

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it,
he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste
disgusting."
--Ethan

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
--Shirley

And the best:
"My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks
on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad
and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again,
but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack
***********************************************************
 
FSTZ1 said:
And the best:
"My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks
on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad
and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again,
but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack
***********************************************************
Click to expand...


Am I the only one that does not get that last one? Is that a British expression?
 
Klurejr said:
Am I the only one that does not get that last one? Is that a British expression?
Click to expand...

Klurejr I think you will find that the expression “to bury your bone” is slang for having sex. Clearly the child’s mother becomes emotive about the fathers previous indiscretions when she is affected by alcohol. It wouldn’t make sense to Jack because of his tender age. That’s the way I read it.
 
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