Joke of day.

One year I bought my ex a pair of crotchless knickers for Halloween,

Nothing sexual you understand...

I just thought she would be able to grip onto the broomstick better.

That's when the fight started......
 
The Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetary.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.. "Whose Funeral is it?"

"My Wife's."

"I'm so sorry, what happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.



"Can I borrow the dog?"



The man replied, "Get in line."
 
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept
through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If
you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
 
Milkman and the Blonde

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to
leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
 
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.
 
The Bass Boat





A good ole boy from Carl, Georgia won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it
home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There
ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it, and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks
where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing
to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass
boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He
yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Georgia a bad
name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there
and whoop your ass!"
 
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 
In the 1960s a Pan Am 707 was flying into Hamburg Germany with a Captain who had previously flown the Asian routes.

Unfamiliar with the Taxiways at that Airport he radioed the Hamburg tower and asked for taxiing directions once he had landed. An arrogant and superior German Ground Controller replied, "You Americans! you are zee Kaptain for a major Airline und you haf to ask for directions at zis major German Airport, vat, haf you never flown to Hamburg before"

The Polite American Captain replied in a pleasant tone " Well, actually, I have, a few times in 1943 but we didn't stop on those occasions"
 
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

In an effort to keep you better informed here are the definitions

Guts - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by the wife with a broom, and having the 'Guts' to ask: 'You still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?

Balls - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping the wife on the butt and having the 'Balls' to say
'You're next, Chubby.'

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in DEATH
 
Jane and Nora

Jane and Nora are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Nora: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Nora: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Nora hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Nora replies, 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
 
More of a Story

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


Pocket taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it..

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
 
John the mechanical genius

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to the house to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!!!!!
I am 32 and my husband is 34, the neighbor's daughter is 19. We've been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila



Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel- line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John
 
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Polish Moose Hunters

[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, Serif]Two polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into Alaskan wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"

Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."[/FONT]
 
Need a Laugh?

1. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

2. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
"Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70.
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

12. I was at a cash machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
 
6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

You are dating yourself there, and me as well for getting that reference.;)
 
blown seal

Ollie the Icelander saves up for a few years and finally buys the bike of his dreams, He goes out for many long rides and enjoys him self fully. One horrible day his bike breaks down. The bike is taken to the shop and a mechanic looks it over. He walks over to an expectant Ollie and says. Looks Like you blew a seal, Ollie says No, No way Thats Just Ice In My Beard.
 
He wrote, She Wrote

Her: Dear diary, im scared my husband is cheating on me. Today he came home from work late. He didn't say where he was. He didn't hug me, and he didn't talk to me. He seemed distracted during dinner, and when I asked him what's wrong he said "Nothing." We went to bed and made love and he didn't seem like himself. Im scared.






His: Dear diary, my damn bike wouldn't start after work today. I pushed it home and spent an hour in the garage with it, and I can't figure it out. I don't want to have to take the car to work tomorrow. But, I did get laid tonight.
__________________
 
Nuts by the fence

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick." said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.



At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."




They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
 
Letter from camp

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the floodon TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleepingbags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't writebecause of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps.It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the traileruntil the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact,he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out tothe rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy somemore beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
 
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