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Joke of day.

Silence is scary

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit
back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !' Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled... 'For f*#k's sake ... you should see the back of mine!!!'
 
H ear t warming

A young couple went on a romantic winter vacation to the mountains, where they stayed for a time in an old fashion wood cabin.

After they arrived the man went out to chop wood for the fire. A good while later he comes back in and says:

- Honey, my hands are cold.

Because he had a kind and well-meaning fiancée, she said:

- Tuck them in here between my legs, and I'll warm them.

He did so, and his hands were warm again. After lunch he goes back out to chop wood again and comes back in a bit later and says:

- Honey, my hands are cold...

She answers him back:

- Put them here between my legs, I'll warm them...

He does so, and his hands are warmed again. After dinner, he cut some more wood, and when he came back in he complained:

- Honey, my hands are cold... AGAIN!.

She looked straight at him and said:

- For God's sake man... don't your EARS ever get cold?!
 
Lawyer Joke

"You seem to be more intelligent than the average witness of your background," says the lawyer to the man on the stand.

The man replies, "If I wasn't under oath I'd return the compliment."
 
Monks

Twelve monks are to be ordained. For their final test, they must line up nude while a topless dancer performs. Each monk has a small bell attached to his privates and is told that if the bell rings he'll fail.

The girl dances before the first candidate and gets no reaction. She moves down the line, with the same response until the final monk. As she dances, his bell rings and falls to the ground.

Ashamed, he bends down to pick it up...and the other eleven bells go off.
 
Bad Bet

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead.







Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
 
Just checking

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
 
A man gets on a plane with six kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these yours?"

The man replies, "No, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"
 
The Test

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
 
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Ten Dollars is Ten Dollars

A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says, "Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"

The woman always replied by saying, "We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive. Ten dollars is ten dollars."

Tom, the pilot, said, "Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free."

Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal. They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.

Tom said, "Larry, I just knew you`d say something on that first flip, but you didn`t!"

Larry replied, "I was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
 
:scared0016: :scared0016: :scared0016:


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.


'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.


He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.


She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
 
Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2011, it
lt will begin offering customers a new discount item ...
Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming
up
with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce
the
spirits at an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of
the
Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a
market for inexpensive wine." said Kathy Micken,
professor of
marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville.
"However,
branding will be very important. "

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most
attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

> - Chateau Traileur Parc
> - White Trashfindel
> - Big Red Gulp
> - World Championship Riesling
> - NASCARbernet
> - Chef Boyardeaux
> - Peanut Noir
> - I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
> - Grape Expectations
> - Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with
either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother replying back that this is a hoax. I
know
possum is not a white meat.
 
New Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
Mad Wife!

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."
 
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day, a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a £100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the £100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the £100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the £100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the £100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican, who has also been facing hard times, slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has had to offer him her "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the £100 note.The hotel proprietor then places the •100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the £100
note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future
with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
 
Hostile Natives

MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae' feel that the natives were friendly.
'At 4 o'clock every morning,' he told a friend, 'they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Och', sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.'
 
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a
Requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
Temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it
Still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
Of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my
Faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
Five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
 
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went out and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!'
 
Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied,
'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend'
 
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