A father's role ??

Seattle_superhwk

Seattle_superhwk

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Thought long and hard about posting this topic here but I figure the more advice and ears it hits will only benefit me and others in the same situation.

6 years ago i went through a terrible divorce and saw sides of my ex-wife i didn't think was possible. So i am going to bore you with my story.

We had been having our problems for about 6 months, mostly due to her gambling and using prescription drugs. I am a very laid back person and have never raised my voice to her or my 7 year old twins. I felt myself being taken advantage of in many ways. Well week after week i would notice our saving account dwindling and a lot of ATM withdrawals from our other accounts. Well in my mind i thought i would teach her a lesson and move out and file for a legal separation, in hopes she would come to her senses. Well that backfired on me big time. Every morning after i got off work i would go by the house and see my kids, make them breakfast and see them off to school. Thursday, 12 days after i moved out i did my normal routine and showed up at the house only to find a car hidden in the garage. Once i entered the house i find some dude on my couch with nothing but his boxer shorts on. By now my wife knows i am there and is in my face asking me to leave my own house, further strengthening my suspicions. Not wanting to make a scene i go into my kids room and wish them well at school and let them know i will see them later. I could tell they could see the pain on my face and the hugs they gave me were extra tight. So i left knowing i would return and confront her after the kids were gone. About 1pm i return and couldn't get into the house, the door was chained and the garage door opener was unplugged. Now from within the house she is yelling at me histerically to leave, saying i was gonna ruin it. ??? WTF. By now with all the yelling and screaming the police were called by my neighbor. The police arrive questioned me and once he was done with me he went to question her. Well the garage door opened and out she and the doughebag that was there came. they came out in his car ,windows up and drove past the cop as he walked towards them, off they went. The police officer and i had talked for about another hour, he couldn't believe what he heard and saw. He then suggested i retain a lawyer and get the hell out if this marriage. Now she has been gone with my kids for two days now, i haven't spoke to her or them. Not for a lack of trying. So at work on the third day i get served a Protection Order that states i must not contact her or my kids for reason that i beat her and her boyfriend up.... WTF ....I then that day retain a lawyer and the ball rolling to be able to see my kids, long story short 2 weeks later i was given the right to see my kids every weekend under a temporary parenting plan.It wasnt two weeks into this plan i go pick up my kids 6 hours away as i did 2 times before, it turns out my kids havent seen their mom since i had them last weekend. She left them with her mother as she entered rehab for a 28 day stay. Well the judge didnt take kindly to that and felt they should be with me during this. So they stayed with me. During this time of hers in rehab all her dirty laundry came out, form her gambling, drug abuse and made up charges against me. She filed the protection order to be able to clean out the house completely knowing with this order i couldn't stop her. Well after a series of court dates i was given full custody of my children and my divorce was final. The final parenting plan states she can see the kids with supervised visitation only and only in the county i lived every other week. Well it is now 6 years later and she has seen them twice, which leads me to the reason i am writing this thread. My son and i are as close as we can be. He has given up on his mom and is very well grounded over the whole situation. I have remarried a year ago to my high school sweetheart that adores my children. Her and my son are tight. Now my daughter is a different story and this is were i get lost. She used to be very out-spoken and very active. She is steal daddy's little girl but in a different capacity than before. Now she is VERY withdrawn very quiet and very shy. She seems to be in her own little world alone. I feel so bad she seems all alone and i cant get her to talk. She seems so depressed and lost. She and Jenn my wife get along great but you can tell there some things that just arent the same. I don't know what to do, which road to take. Is counseling what she needs ? I am i doing something wrong. It breaks my heart to see my daughter struggle like this. I talk to her and she acknowledges the change in her but doesnt know what to do either. She feels like she doesnt know what to say to people or how to approach them. She spends most her time in her room doing homework or reading. Has anyone experienced this or going through this. Is this just normal teenage girl behavior ? Any insight is appreciated.
 
Sounds like you've got a long hard road ahead of you. Having never been in that situation, I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm sure someone here will have been through somewhat of a similar situation and will be able to give you better advice... But I wish you the best of luck, and I think as long as you keep the best interest of your kids first in your mind, you'll be just fine.
 
I have 3 girls... 16, 13, & 7. Obviously every kid is unique and deals with problems in different ways. I am guessing that your twins are about 13 now. I know mine became way more self-aware of themselves and sensitive to statements made. Also, 7th-8th grade kids can be evil to each other and can really tear each other down. She could be having an issue socially or just feeling embarrassed or withdrawn because she feels abandoned by her biological mother. I could be wrong and she is just going through a “phase”.
Does she have anything she uses as an outlet for frustration or just to stay busy (besides homework), like writing (diary/personal journal). Does she have close friends? What does your son think about her behavior? (Some twins have pretty good bonds). Divorces are tough, as you already know, and adolescence is gonna be “fun”. I’ve been lucky with girls!
If you are looking at counseling, then there is something about her that is giving you concern. You may be able to meet with a counselor on your own and maybe they can guide you on working on getting her to open up to you. May take some time and maybe she will open up to talking to you or the counselor.
 
How old is she? If she's in high school, yes, this is probably partially normal behavior. But it also could be what she's gone through and had to accept of her Mother. I have a similar background with mine, and despite your best effort, there will still be that bitterness, or sadness, depending. Get her someone to talk to, so she can get this all worked out now. And even if it is just normal teenage girl stuff, it isn't gonna hurt.


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Thank you both for your post, Yes my twins are 13 and do share a tight bond, but you can tell she doesnt want to burden her brother with her thoughts. We tried that approach both at my request and her brother approached her on his own. She reads a lot and that seems to be her means to escape. The reason i am open to counseling is because she seems to becoming more and more ditzy and forgetful. So not only now does she not talk or carry a conversation but she seems so withdrawn from reality. I do agree with 7th graders being brutal to eachother especially girls, but my son is always looking out for her and they insist nothing is happening at school, her friends are very nice polite kids that i do trust.
 
"more ditzy and forgetful... withdrawn from reality"

Have you ruled out drug use?
Kids use and try the craziest stuff... an escape for some or most. They even abuse over the counter meds in high doses.
 
i have looked at the possibility of drugs and havent found any reason to believe that. IE: kids she hangs with, she seems glueless about drugs. I have asked tho.... I also think brother would tell me as well
 
You don't mention the relationship as it stands with her Step-Mom. At this age, she is going through a huge change in chemistry for a young lady. She may be feeling self-aware of the changes happening to her body and it might help to have Mom sit down and start some conversations around this subject. I'd have to agree that counseling may be the best option because if whatever is bothering her is not handled gently, then she could withdraw even further. Try and find a younger and bright (cheery) woman counselor that she can best relate to. If this is hormone related, she will best identify with a woman and at some point, Mom needs to be included so that she feels better about confiding in her. She may also be jealous of her twin's tight relationship with "new" Mom as well. This might explain why she is reluctant to speak with her brother about it?

Just some thoughts for you to ponder from outside. I'll pray for you all that this works out all for nothing less than the best!
 
Sorry for all the drama in your life first of all, I too have an ex wife and a long story. Luckily for me I met a wonderful woman and got remarried as you did. My wife is a family physician down here in Portland and if there is one thing I have learned most all family docs are very passionate about their work and genuinely concerned about patients well being. That being said I would recommend making an appt with your family doc to talk about your situation. I would be willing to bet the advice and direction they could provide for you and your family would be very beneficial. Hopefully this helps, good luck.
 
Dude, your first wife sounds evil. Unreasonable. You cannot reason with unreasonable people. And I would at least go with your daughter to a licensed counselor. Both of you. Mainly because this is such a big issue to YOU and the fact that you have let unrealistic things perpetuate in the past - like not realizing what your wife was doing and thinking she would "come around". At least go in for an initial consultation. It won't hurt. Call it "family counseling". Better now before something else......

And yes. I'm a father of 2, have an ex-wife that has my son, and we did marital counseling (still divorced anyway). It's not a big deal. You live you learn. Now my current wife is amazing. We have a daughter. :)
 
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Didn't want to bring up drugs, but just making sure it was ruled out. In my line of work, I have seen it in all different ages and families. Glad to hear you already looked at that :)
I see a similar consensus about a family counselor. I really hope you find a way to help your daughter open up and all goes well.
 
I really sorry for what you and the kids have been through. I myself, have been through two divorces and decided after the last one, ten years back, to remain single and raise my son. I haven't seen my daughter in almost ten years and I don't even know where she is. Although I think of her every day, I have concentrated on my son who has lived with me since the second break-up. As others have said, each child takes to a broken home differently. My son is well grounded and still sees his mom on a regular basis. I wouldn't take her to counseling at the onset. Most counselors will probably want to see you first alone and then introduce her into the sessions a little later on. Reassuring her of your love is a must. Even if she's not talking too much right now, I'd let her know how much you love her and that if she ever has anything to talk about, that you are there for her to listen to and help out if you can. Give her a nice tight hug every now and then.

If you drag her into a counselors office right away, she may feel that you think that somethings wrong with her. Kids may look at counselors differently than adults do. If she she's that your going and you ask her to tag along one time, she may feel more comfortable.

The best thing you can do is to be her "friend" and include her in your activities. As others have voiced, she's growing up, things are changing mentally, and physically right now and it may just be "growing up".

I hope everything works out for you and the children. Just remember to keep an eye out for them but don't "smother" them. We as parents, want our kids to be problem free and never have pain. Unfortunately, the truth is that they do hurt sometimes and we just have to be there for them and see them through the tough times. They will remember that you were there for them later on in life even though they might not tell you. Good luck buddy. Let us know how it goes.
 
I'm happy to hear that you've decided to try counceling. When you said she was 13, honestly the first thing that popped in my head was is she being bullied at school. I know that for girls it can be devestating not to "fit in".
I really hope that counceling helps.
 
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