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Joke of day.

Samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
 
Women & Motorcycles

Women are better than motorcycles because:

A good woman maintains herself.
A good woman can help you get more motorcycles.
After a good ride a woman will kiss you.
A woman is easier to carry over the threshold.
Most places don't require you wear a helmet when riding a woman.
Both respond to loving attention.
A woman can love you back.
Both can leave you cold, stranded and broke.
Women can be fun in any kind of weather.
Holding on too tight to either one will cause you problems.
A good woman can pay for her own accessories.
You should be a skilled expert before attempting internal modifications to either one.
It's more dangerous to let your motorcycle take you home after a few beers.
A motorcycle can only take you to the beer, a woman can bring the beer to you.
Both come in models that may exceed your abilities.
Both can cause your heart to pound, and make you sweat and shake.
Your parents may disapprove of either.
When a woman tips over she can usually pick herself back up.
When a woman is leaking she will usually stop on her own.
Riding a motorcycle inside the house tears up the carpets.
I can't live without either one.
 
Why Motorcycles are better than women
• Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
• Motorcycles don't snore.
• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
• You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
• Motorcycles don't have parents.
• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles' curves never sag. .
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. .
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Your Motorcycle doesn't care what you're wearing when you take it out.
• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IV Penicillin shots.
• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
• Unlike women PHAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.
 
signs

Watch the signs

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
And the nun says, "Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer looks at the passenger and sees the other nun shaking like a leaf.
"Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
:shaking head:
 
The Easter Bunny

A man is driving along
a highway
and sees a rabbit
jump out
across
the middle of the road.

He swerves
to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps
right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man
as well as
an animal lover,
pulls over
and gets out to see
what has become
of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is
the Easter Bunny,
and he is
DEAD.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway,
sees the man crying
on the side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible!"
he explains.
"I accidentally
hit the Easter Bunny
with my car
and KILLED HIM!"

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the
limp, dead
Easter Bunny,
bends down,
and sprays the contents
onto him.

The Easter Bunny
jumps up,
waves its paw
at the two of them
and hops off
down the road.

Ten feet away
he stops,
turns around
and waves again.

He hops down the road
another 10 feet,
turns and waves,
hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this
again and again
and again and again,
until he hops
out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman
and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray
on the
Easter Bunny?!?"

The woman
turns the can around
so the man
can read the label.





It says:


Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave.

Happy Easter!
 
Oldschool said:
Watch the signs

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
And the nun says, "Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer looks at the passenger and sees the other nun shaking like a leaf.
"Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
:shaking head:
Click to expand...

I see your 2 nuns, and raise you 2 more....lol.

There are 2 nuns riding their bycycles through the Italian country side, through all kinds of narrow, country, cobblestoned roads.

They pull up at an intersection and the nun that was following says to the leader," I've never come that way before."


The leading nun says," Yes. It must be the cobblestones."




I'm so going to hell....lol.
 
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
 
So we have this guy here at work that constantly tells bad jokes and always reponds with a bad pun. We now have a rimshot we play after everything he says. His name is Don and since the beginning of the year we've been jotting down all the ones he has said. We're at 32 so far, here's the list.

1. Did you hear about the truck driver that got stabbed after in a road rage incident? He must have got cut off.

2. Did you hear the one about the broom? No? Huh. It's sweeping the nation.

3. My consultants name is Pee Jay (actual spelling of his name). That must have been a pisser growing up.

4. I have a customer named John Toilet. His parents must have been flushed with excitement.

5. Did you hear about the one with the pencil without a tip? Ah it's pointless.

6. Did you hear there's a hole in the fence outside the nudist colony? The police are looking into it.

7. Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan. Because of the Tally-ban (Taliban)

8. Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocain at the dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

9. Someone broke into the police department and stole all the toilets. They are investigating but have nothing to go on.

10. The man who worked at the watch factory is very funny. He stands around making faces all day.

11. What did the Scotsman do when he couldn't find his jeans? He kilt himself.

12. So I just wasted $25, I went and bought a book about Tiger Woods entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes", turns out it was really about golf.

13. To a coworker eating corn for lunch: "That's a corny lunch."

14. My co-workers desk was broke and fixed it by kicking the desk with his heel. He really healed it.

15. When asked: "Do you want to joyride in a co-workers car (Inifiniti G35)?"
Don responded:"To infinity and beyond?"

16. I lived in TN for 9 years. That's when I married my first wife. (he still married to his one and only wife)

17. What did the clock say to the watch? Toc to you later.

18. Rob: Tom, I don't have any info for you*on that conference call.* It basically got cancelled.

Tom: Thanks.* Was it due to the weather?

Rob: Yeah.

Don: It got cancelled "weather" you like it or not.

19. Kyle: I think Pear is one of the best flavors in the world
Don: Com"Pear"ed to what

20. Don: My middle name starts with an L, it's not a common name
Kyle: Is it Don "Lucifer" Wynia
Don: That would be a devil of a name to have

21. Rob: My customer NYSTEC (Nice-Tek) now must order through the New York woman owned business group
Don: Doesn't sound very NYSE (Nice) to me.


22. Tom: We were throwing the football in the parking lot in front of the office and hit 2 cars with the football
Jeramie: Why didn't you use the other parking lot right next to us?
Tom: Well we were but called an Audible
Don: Oh, so it was an "Auto-Ball"

23. Joe: I can't dial out, my phone is not working.
Don: Must be a user error, a "Digit"al actuator error

24. There's an article in the New York Times today, "Chef caught making cheese with wife's breast milk."
Don: That's disgusting, you'll have to keep be abreast of the situation

25. Paula: I need to leave the office because my foot hurts
Don: Is that the sole reason?

26. Becoming a vegetarian was a mis-steak

27. The museum had a 3-D exhibit depicting a modern funeral parlor. It was a die-orama.

28. I just realized Tofu is overrated. It's just a"curd" to me.

29. The man loved a good play on words but his wife couldn't stand the "pun"ishment.

30. Katie: Don, the customers name is Eilene
Don: Is that because one leg is shorter than the other? "I-Lean"

31. Organ donors really put their heart into it.

32. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was de-lighted.
 
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"!!
 
The Law is Funny

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, maybe THE CENTURY.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked
his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made
even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim
against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and
was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. :scared0016:
 
Hahahhah the insurance company had better lawyers huh? :))


And here's my take on the joke of the day:

I got to the dealer I purchased my FZ6R last year, and on behalf of a friend I start dealing for a new '09 FZ1 (I can't afford a new bike until next year, and can't decide yet between FZ1 and BMW F800 GS).
The salesman told me the best he could do OTD is 13.600, I started laughing and walked away. Funny right ?!:))
 
Last edited:
Heineken said:
Hahahhah the insurance company had better lawyers huh? :))


And here's my take on the joke of the day:

I got to the dealer I purchased my FZ6R last year, and on behalf of a friend I start dealing for a new '09 FZ1 (I can't afford a new bike until next year, and can't decide yet between FZ1 and BMW F800 GS).
The salesman told me the best he could do OTD is 13.600, I started laughing and walked away. Funny right ?!:))
Click to expand...
YOU DID GOOD, what a tard, 13K+
 
linguistics

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
Canadian ? test

Signs showing you might be from Canada...

You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".

You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink Pop, not Soda.

You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".

Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and roadwork.

You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".

You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"

Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts

When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.

You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.

Every murder is reported.

You can understand Jean Chr�tien (most of the time, anyway)

You can give directions to the nearest Tim Hortons and know what it is.

You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.

You actually understand these jokes.
 
I do Enjoy Sarcasm

Clarification needed..

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US
resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of
debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can
you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates
a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can
help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of
Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)
:stirpot:
 
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The continuing adventures of little Johhnie

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."


"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses".
 
The Old Man And The Gunslinger

An old geologist shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"


The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.


The old geologist --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.


The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
 
Blonde Joke

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs under his arm. He asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen. Mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them all by herself.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
 
Jokes for every day of the week

MONDAY​


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


TUESDAY​


A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'


WEDNESDAY​


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


THURSDAY​


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'


FRIDAY​


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


SATURDAY​


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY​


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
 
Man Tools Explained

Came across this and had to share it. Pretty funny :D

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws said bolts somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

CIRCULAR SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major resprays.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you are trying to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the wheel arch.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most blokes to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that fit more easily into the bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint tins. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, monthly magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

BASTARD TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "BASTARD!!!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
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